life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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