I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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