I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
