Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
