I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize