You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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