i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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