I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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