"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
