the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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