He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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