Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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