I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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