a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
