he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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