There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
