The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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