Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
