Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Congratulations! We have a period
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