youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
