It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Come see our sink grown plant.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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