so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
