Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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