i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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