I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
