I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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