I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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