I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
