Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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