He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
