There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
