I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
