I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
