forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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