i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am one with the molecules
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
