Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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