I'm so fucking centered right now
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
