After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
