my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
