Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
