I must be too annoying 4 u.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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