Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
