How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
