so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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