Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
