I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize