He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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