i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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