it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
