dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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