you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize