I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
