I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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