i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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