Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I cut my penus on the lid.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
