My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You made out with two different species that night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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