So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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