Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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