Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
